Extremely spectacular and incredibly sylvan

Let's check in on Switzerland

A few weeks ago I was fortunate enough to visit Switzerland—specifically, a charmful town of 1,300 humans and many geese. Per Wikipedia the area is “noted for its spectacular mountain scenery and sylvan alpine landscapes.” Now I can add myself to that body of noters. The area was extremely spectacular and incredibly sylvan.

Would you like to fold yourself up in my suitcase and tour the region? Let’s go.

The most important thing to know is that the region’s heraldic beast is a crazed bear with a red mani-pedi.

Here is an idyllic retirement home (left) and house that looks as though it is shrugging (right).

Collect ‘em all: Foods featuring alp motifs.

Collect ‘em all: rainbow-dyed “picnic eggs.” If any public health officials are reading this, here’s a recommendation: mandate the rainbowfication of healthy foods. It will encourage consumption (probably). My egg intake skyrocketed due to the dumb joy of unwrapping colorful ovals.

“ENHANCE IMAGE”—

Two dolls arranged in postures of anguish against a shed (?)

My room was called “Wildi frau” (wild woman), which is the name of an alp. I didn’t climb any alps, but I did scale a mound and pose.

Why settle for Helvetica when you can render your sign in blackletter-style calligraphy with ornamental cats or scrolls?

Why drive an automobile when you can sit back and conduct a literal dog-and-pony show?

Here is our next craft project. For these unsettling rabbits we will need: wood, chisel, ribbon, paint.

A few examples of Unparalleled Bench Placement. I’ve inserted arrows to highlight distant benches.

Left: the 1970s Colombian cocaine of marzipan. Right: a pat of butter hiding beneath a hat on top of two doilies.

Above, a category called “Things I Wish I Could Show David Lynch”

Alpine butter and beer packaging.

Snacks with crazy eyes: a surprisingly popular genre.

Oh, come on Switzerland, you are being ridiculous.

Pleasing acts of ornamentation.

For dinner tonight you may have a sizzling disc or a glossy heap. Which is your preference?

I spent one afternoon traversing footbridges, munching apples, peering into sheds and approaching goats. Just like a Richard Scarry character. Richard Scarry, by the way, moved his family to Switzerland in the 1960s after making his fortune on children’s books. As soon as I earn my fortune in [INSERT MONEYMAKING SCHEME HERE] I’ll do same.

Well, that’s all for the photos. A few more observations about the region, without documentation:

•The trees have good posture.

•1980s-style "wash and wear" short haircuts remain popular among women of all ages.

•Based on visual evidence, I'd say there is a strong resistance to sunscreen, possibly on moral (?) grounds.

Here our voyage concludes. Thank you for coming.